


The Whiter Shade of Black

by picaselle



Category: Block B
Genre: AU, F/M, Friendship, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-08
Updated: 2014-11-08
Packaged: 2018-02-24 14:21:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2584481
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/picaselle/pseuds/picaselle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One person turns Kyung's world upside down and forces him to reassess his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Whiter Shade of Black

**Author's Note:**

> For archiving purposes. Originally posted on 24.09.2011.

It starts out ordinarily enough. He barely wakes up on time and it’s only the judging stare of his mother that makes him take a shower. As always there’s at least one dog that tries to throw him off his bike while he turns into the main street parallel to the one he lives on. This time he’s speeding so much he almost runs over an elderly lady too. Same old.

Ever since university started (almost 4 months ago), his days have been boringly predictable. He wakes up at the same time, has classes at the same time, studies at the same time and even parties exactly on the same days every week. The last time something truly exciting happened was when his best friend Jiho decided that studying art in Japan was his calling and moved away. In the meantime, Kyung ended up in New Zealand among the weirdest people that have ever graced the earth. Jiho still insists on saying that any wild streak Kyung has, is their fault. He disagrees but inside he’s not so sure. He doesn’t remember being so horribly cheesy and shameless before. But that was in high school. 

It’s been a while since he arrived at the university before class started. The classroom is half empty and so much more quiet than usual. For once, there are a few people sitting at the front too. He takes a better look and realizes that one of them is his best friend, although definitely not alone. There’s a boy with him, all long limbs and awkward smiles. He takes a step forward but freezes when Jiho laughs at whatever the other boy has just said. It takes him a split second to turn around and stalk off towards the nearest seat. He doesn’t understand why but suddenly there’s tension in his shoulders. His hands feel much too empty as well so he takes out a random pencil from his bag and starts mindlessly toying with it. The unnamed boy leans a bit closer to Jiho and places his hand on Jiho’s thigh. Kyung looks down at his desk and tries to focus his attention on the intricate designs drawn on it with a black pen. However, he can’t concentrate on anything and looks up almost immediately. It’s as if his eyes had a life on their own.

The sound is deafening. He can only stare dumbly as the pencil breaks into two and the upper part flies into the air. It falls perfectly on Jiho’s head, crashes to the floor and rolls under the desks making the evidence of his crime disappear.

When Jiho turns around, Kyung’s staring at the broken part of the pencil that he’s still clutching in his hand. Still, he notices Jiho looking from the corner of his eye but does absolutely nothing to acknowledge it. He expects him to come over anyway and finally say something but is ignored. His hand unconsciously tightens around the pencil. There’s something dark and black seeping through his pores. It’s strange but familiar at the same time; fills his veins and blocks away all the sounds. It seems to be everywhere around and it scares Kyung. He drops the broken pencil to the ground and reaches for a new one from his bag. Once he straightens up, the professor is already checking attendance.

 

The class just before lunch is an elaborate form of torture. He’s fine until the last 30 minutes. Afterwards, all he can focus his attention on is the possible menu for lunch. He could as well walk out at that point, not that his professor would be pleased with such behavior.

He barely manages to get out of the classroom before someone tackles him from behind. His elbow moves on sheer reflex and a muffled cry of pain follows his actions.

“What the fuck Kyung?”

His mood lightens up immediately.

“Who told you to assault me, you idiot.”

Hanhae just laughs and puts his arm around Kyung’s shoulders.

“So any reason you were so attentive in class today? Even poking you with a pen was unsuccessful.”

“It was you?! Can’t you learn to keep your hands to yourself?”

Kyung tries to wriggle himself out of his friend’s arms but only ends up being squeezed more.

“Nah, ladies like my wandering hands very much. Anyway, Jiho said he’s gonna save a table for us in the cafeteria so let’s move our asses. I’m hungry.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“Jiho did?”

Hanhae stops and looks at him hard.

“Dude, you sure you didn’t hit your head today?”

“What are you talking about? Of course not. Let’s go.”

 

He sneakily (or so he thinks) takes the seat that’s farthest away from Jiho. He tells himself that everything is ok and it’s normal to change seats once in a while but isn’t persuaded. Lunch isn’t the best time to think about one’s own feelings though so he suppresses them and instead tries to concentrate on not flinching every time Jiho looks straight at him.

He quickly learns that the tall boy’s name is Jaehyo and he shares a few classes with him and Jiho even though he’s two years older. Kyung introduces himself and smiles throughout the conversation but wishes to be anywhere but here. The boy is too tall, too pretty, and too feminine for his taste. He imagines himself digging a hole in the other’s face with a pencil every time he fixes his fringe. He absolutely can’t comprehend why Jiho would even want to chat up someone like Jaehyo. Still, it looks like he’s alone in his dislike; even Minhyuk and Taeil who don’t talk that much to people they’re not friends with seem to have taken an immediate liking to the new boy. Minhyuk, jokingly saying that he lost his pretty boy status in the group now, makes a few of his blood vessels almost burst.

A hand on his thigh interrupts his trail of thoughts. Hanhae is leaning towards him and saying something he can’t hear.

“What did you say?”

“Do you have something against the pretty boy over there?”

“What gave you this idea?”

Hanhae rolls his eyes in an exaggerated fashion.

“Maybe you being all spaced-out and glaring at him?”

“I just have a lot on my mind...”

He hears Hanhae snort.

“You’re so full of shit, it’s splendid,” he pats Kyung and moves back. “At least tone down with those glares.”

He relaxes the moment Jaehyo excuses himself. He doesn’t like the look Jiho is giving him too much though. And since they share the next class, there’s no way he can manage to escape unnoticed. As expected, Jiho corners him as soon as they’re left alone in the hallway.

“Why are you being such a douche?”

Kyung sighs.

“I don’t like him.”

“At least give him a chance.”

“Don’t want to.”

“Why? Getting territorial again?”

“What?!”

“Look, your position as my best friend isn’t in danger-”

“This has nothing to do with this.”

“Please, we both know it has everything to do with you behaving like a gigantic douche towards a guy you don’t even know.”

There’s nothing he can say in retort so he looks at the ground and tries to kick an imaginary pebble.

“Just give him a chance, ok?”

“Yeah...ok.”

He knows that starting a fight would be pointless. He can’t remember ever winning one when it was with Jiho after all.

 

He really tries to be civil the following days. In fact, he tries so hard that even Hanhae leaves him alone. Still, his nose starts itching the moment Jaehyo’s face comes into his sight. And Jaehyo has become a permanent fixture during lunch so Kyung wishes his nose would dematerialize every freaking day. The umpteenth time he was trying to scratch a hole in it, Jiho said he might have rabies and suggested he put a peg on it. Jaehyo’s shy smile did something to his stomach that he likes to think was a sudden urge to vomit. Hanhae and Minhyuk had a laughing fit but Kyung resorted to kicking Jiho regularly under the table to shut him before he could utter anything stupid again.

Nevertheless, his patience proves to be short-lived. He explodes not even 2 weeks after they met. Ever since Jaehyo glued himself to Jiho’s side, Kyung has been sitting on the other side of the table. It’s way too early in his book to be sitting anywhere closer to the annoying git. Consequently, he has a splendid view on anything his friends do. During that particular lunch Jaehyo must have decided that personal space between him and Jiho is an obstacle that needs to be removed as soon as possible. Kyung tried calming down, he really did. At first, only his left eye was twitching. Then, his plate became the most interesting thing in the whole cafeteria. However, Jaehyo whispering constantly to Jiho makes his knee bump into the table out of reflex. Hanhae looks at him with a big question mark written all over his face. Kyung has moved onto breathing in and out at that point though. He turns to Jiho to ask him a question but all his best friend can focus on is limited to the end of the chair next to him. Kyung sees red and it’s a train-wreck.

“Why are you sitting with us anyway, Jaehyo? You’ve been here for 2 years more than we have. Don’t you have other friends?”

The silence is so thick and heavy that cutting it with a knife would be child’s play. Everyone seems to be looking straight at him, except for Jaehyo who clearly wishes he was anywhere but here. Somehow Kyung doesn’t feel all that victorious for being the one to cause this. However, it’s three sentences too late for remorse.

“You can be such a rude jerk sometimes.”

Jiho’s voice sounds like shouting even though it’s all calm, tight words. He’s spared from having to say anything himself by the bell a few seconds later, though he doesn’t feel relieved.

He gets silent treatment from Jiho for the rest of the day. He can bet that even walking straight into his friend wouldn’t earn him a quick glance. In a way, he thinks it’s unneeded for he already feels like the biggest douche in the history of the world. Still, although it’d seem impossible, Jiho is successful at making him feel even worse.

 

There’s a sea in front of him. All red. Deep crimson red. The waves are trashing around his legs.

He’s standing in the sea ankles-deep. When he tries to move, he realizes that it’s too sticky to be water. It clings to him like a second skin. He hesitatingly dips his hands in it. It drips down. Big, fat drops. One by one as if in a perfect line. Red like blood. Sticky, red blood.

It gurgles and raises. Forms faces. They come closer and closer. Expanding like balloons being filled with helium. Closer. Closer.

The blood on his hands starts burning. Skin scorching and melting. He’s shaking. The faces explode.

He wakes up to the sun trying to burn a hole in his face. He must have forgotten to close the blinds before going to bed.

He lets out the breath which he didn’t realize he has been holding. Still, he looks at his hands and legs with hesitation. Nothing is out of ordinary but he gets flashbacks of the dream the whole day.

 

Jiho coming to his place in the evening the next day is by far the most unexpected thing. He was certain that it’d take at least a week for anyone to start talking to him.

At first, he just stares dumbly at Jiho and only lets him in when the other raises an eyebrow all amused. He feels awkward, as if his skin was too loose or bones misplaced. And there’s a sea of guilt trashing against the walls of his home and pooling around him in waves. He takes a deep breath.

“I’m sorry.”

Jiho looks at him as if he said something funny.

“It’s not me you should be apologizing to.”

“I know...”

“Can’t you think twice before you say anything? You’ve been nicer even to Hanhae when you first met him and you supposedly hated his guts.”

“I can’t help it. He makes me want to punch babies.”

Jiho shakes his head.

“I’ve told you already. You don’t even know him. For fuck’s sake, just have a chat with him alone or something. Lose all this ridiculous tension!”

“What if I don’t?”

“Are you trying to ask me if I would chose you over him? Really, Kyung? Really?!”

“No, no I’m not..I..”

“You’re what?”

“I’ll talk to him about this, ok?”

Jiho sighs and pats him on the shoulder.

“Man, why am I friends with you again?”

“Cause no one else wanted to get close to you when you were a kid, of course.”

“I was the popular kid. What are you even saying. Now go and get dressed. We’re going out.”

“Going out?”

“Are you suffering from amnesia now too? The party Hanhae invited us to? Rings any bells?”

“Oh.”

“Exactly, you don’t want to disappoint him by not showing up.”

 

Kyung isn’t sure if disappointing Hanhae isn’t the way to go. No party goes without the other trying to hook him up, doesn’t matter if he’s single or not. He doesn’t even consider hoping that this time will be different. Miracles don’t grow on trees in his garden, they aren’t apples.

It takes exactly 5 minutes and 37 seconds. He counted. Hanhae is loud and invades his personal space constantly even though he’s not yet drunk. Kyung has a nagging feeling that today may get out of control quickly. By the time Hanhae is wasted, he has introduced him to five girls. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate his friend’s help in trying to get him laid but he would prefer a bit more privacy. One girl catches his eye though and he manages to get her number even with Hanhae taking to planking on his lap. Still, she disappears soon afterwards.

He starts eyeing the bottle of beer in his hands a bit more carefully when some random chick decides that she has to get into his pants. She’s clingy and too touchy and her boobs are almost in his face. It’s not even sexy. He has standards. The bottle looks hard enough to knock her out. He’s not one to use violence but so far things like “I’m not interested”, “You’re ugly”, “Get your slutty hands away” had absolutely no effect.

When he notices Jaehyo going towards him, he almost shoots up from his seat. He’s all over him in seconds and pushes them out of the doors leading to the backyard. They are left completely alone. He actually lies down on the grass in relief.

He hears Jaehyo laugh.

“You must have been enjoying the company you had there greatly.”

“You have no idea. It’s not like I can help being such a chick magnet though.”

Jaehyo just laughs louder and Kyung can’t help but smile a bit himself.

“Hanhae was right. You’re really full of shit.”

“Hanhae is a dumb fuck. No good comes from listening to him.”

“Sure and you only spend all possible time with him.”

“That’s cause Jiho has no time lately.”

Kyung decides that biting his tongue would have been a better reply. Jaehyo looks awkward again and the tension becomes thick in a blink of an eye. He stands up and takes a deep breath.

“Look...I-”

It’s harder than he has ever thought it would be. Still, he knows that he can’t pretend nothing has happened.

“I’m really sorry for what I said last time. I didn’t mean it. Well, actually...I just...I don’t know why but I can’t make myself like you.”

Jaehyo’s smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“I’ve noticed. It’s ok.”

“No, it’s not. I wanna start again.”

“You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Seems like saving you from evil hoes does the trick?”

He feels as if the air suddenly became lighter. If he was less stubborn, he’d have probably genuinely smiled.

“Yeah. Yeah, it does.”

 

They go back to the party after a few more minutes. Kyung tries to ignore looking at Hanhae who’s making out quite passionately and shamelessly with some girl on a couch. His hand under her skirt is going to give him nightmares for next few weeks. He barely suppresses a scream and latches himself at Jaehyo’s arm when he notices Minhyuk being all over some guy whose smile seems to literally sparkle. The last time he checked Minhyuk was very straight and definitely not single. The complete lack of Taeil is rather worrying as well. Last time he disappeared, he got drunk beyond belief and ended up in bed with two girls. Kyung was only a bit jealous. Only a bit.

He won’t lie that he doesn’t expect Jiho to pop up wearing a tutu and dancing to Britney Spears by that point. Luckily enough Jiho does not only wear no tutu, he also appears to be sober. Actually, he takes it back. Jiho may not be shitfaced but his clinging is out of this world and suggests fairly advanced tipsiness. Jaehyo teases him about being a prude and generally has jolly good time while Kyung tries to unglue himself from Jiho.

“Kyungggggggggggggg! Where are you going?! Don’t leave me alone! Don’t you love me anymore?!”

Kyung takes back everything he thought once again. Jiho is certainly past the drunk point. Hanhae isn’t a good person to compare others to in terms of their level of soberness after all.

Once he’s free, he hides himself behind Jaehyo. Jiho says something about wanting to cry and retreats to the kitchen. Surprisingly, it makes Kyung feel a bit lonely. He’s sure he never wanted Jiho all over him, definitely not when drunk. Nevertheless, he can’t help but wish Jiho didn’t leave.

His feelings must have shown on his face because Jaehyo asks him if he’s ok.

“Yeah, I think I’m just a bit tired, is all.” 

 

He curses everything in sight. Waking up with a headache and being half-blind from sleepiness isn’t exactly how he likes his Monday mornings. It’s a miracle he doesn’t just fall down the stairs while on the way to the kitchen. His mother isn’t fazed and hands him a glass of water and some painkillers. He tries to eat something too but it’s a lost battle. Resigned, he decides to just get dressed and go to uni.

His mood improves the moment he spots Jiho sprawled all over his desk and Jaehyo nodding off next to him. If only Hanhae came to uni today, his whole week would have probably been made. Hanhae never turns up after the big, crazy parties he throws in his house though. Kyung thinks it’s a reasonable decision, getting that drunk must be hell the next day.

He collapses onto the chair next to Jaehyo and startles him awake. Jiho groans, turning to the other side. 

“Aren’t you one ray of sunshine today, Kyung.” 

“Not my fault you drunk yourself silly yesterday.”

“You could have stopped me?”

“What? Dude, are you even aware of what you’re saying?”

Jaehyo gives him a glare-wannabe.

“Can you two just shut up?! I’m trying to sleep here...”

Kyung laughs and makes himself more comfortable in his seat.

“But of course, princess. I’ll even cover for you during attendance check.”

For whatever reason, Jaehyo decides to sit next to him during the lunch break. Consequently, Jiho chokes not-so-subtly on his juice. Minhyuk and Taeil seem unfazed though. Minhyuk probably because he’s more interested in staring at his new boy toy Yukwon and Taeil because...well...he’s mighty hangover-ed. Kyung can’t comprehend why his friend didn’t follow Hanhae’s example. It may be a bad one most of the time but today it would have benefited Taeil greatly.

He doesn’t care much about the situation himself. Jaehyo’s pretty-boy-fringe-touching-up swag still makes him want to poke his eyes out with a fork but otherwise he finds his company acceptable. It’s a bonus that Kyung enjoys making Jiho jealous as well. 

 

All good things must come to an end, even the semi-friendship of Kyung and Jaehyo. There’s a limited amount of jealousy Kyung can handle on a daily basis. He knows that one of Jiho’s classes has been requiring an inhuman amount of work lately but still blames Jaehyo for Jiho’s utter lack of time. It’s enough to spark a fire with even a bit of provocation.

They’ve been hanging out quite often, just the three of them. Kyung usually has an hour or 2 left before he needs to go to his part-time job. It’s only twice a week and for no more than five hours but the pay is good enough. He would never ask for more anyway because dusting old vinyl records and having a chat with an occasion customer shouldn’t even be called a job.

He feels a bit like some exotic decoration today. Jiho and Jaehyo are discussing something he has absolutely no idea about, the perks of them sharing an art class. It’s so bad that he literally hasn’t said a word since they started. He’s been shooting Jiho meaningful glares too but the other doesn’t appear to care. It makes him discover that he has a wolf cub living in his chest. It’s still small and defenceless. Nevertheless, it’s roaring and pacing around, agitated. Kyung can’t tame it. His better judgment is already switched off too because Jeahyo’s face looks like world’s finest punching bag.

“You’re gonna be late.”

He turns around and notices Minhyuk standing next to his car.

“Is it 4 already?”

“Yes. So you’d better move your ass. I have things to do today as well.”

He quickly says goodbye to Jiho and Jaehyo. Minhyuk, being the good friend he is, has offered to drop him off to work and been doing it since the academic year started. Kyung didn’t get his driver’s license yet so it’s a blessing.

“I see you still have problems with Jaehyo.”

“Of course I don’t! It’s a thing of the past.”

“Kyung, it’s written all over your face. I can bet anything that if I were late, you’d have beaten him up.”

Kyung sighs and looks at his hands.

“Jiho doesn’t really spend much time with me anymore.”

“You know he’s been busy.”

“Yeah, with Jaehyo.”

“Kyung...”

“What?!”

“Do you really think he’s trying to replace you? Jaehyo likes you more than he likes Jiho.”

Kyung does a double take.

“Excuse me?”

Minhyuk can’t help but laugh.

“Ah, you’re so blind. The guy does practically everything he can not to piss you off and every time you smile at him, he seems to be on cloud nine.”

“Lies.”

“Believe whatever you want.”

 

He starts paying a bit more attention to Jaehyo after the conversation with Minhyuk. It goes so far that Hanhae calls it Kyung’s biggest obsession. He can’t stop himself though, for he desperately wants to prove Minhyuk wrong.

It takes him less than a week to find out that the other was right. Not that it changes anything. When Kyung is stubborn, he is stubborn. Even a near-death experience wouldn’t be able to beat sense into him. So he stares at Jaehyo without saying a word until the other starts squirming. It never crosses his mind that he might be sending mixed signals. He can be really oblivious, not that he’d ever admit that.

 

It seems that his tactic is successful, although not in the way he predicted. Jiho comes over uninvited one fine evening. Kyung thinks about not letting him in because he’s feeling a bit spiteful. Jiho tells him that he is going to sit in front of his room for as long as it takes, in retort. It only adds oil to fire and they end up sulking on their respective side of the door.

“Are you going to play the victim forever?”

“Why? You’re already giving up?”

“How childish can you get?”

“I’m not childish and I’m not playing the victim!”

Jiho snorts.

“Oh really? Then what are you doing right now? For me it looks like nothing but irrational self-pity.”

“Fuck you!”

“Very mature indeed.”

“Why are you here anyway?! Jaehyo didn’t have time for you?”

He hears Jiho standing up. He’s dumbfounded when his friend resorts to kicking the doors open, successfully at that.

“Why are you such a dumb bitch sometimes?! You’re my best friend and not Jaehyo!”

“I wouldn’t be able to tell...”

“How many times do I have to tell you I’m busy with uni?! I wish I could spend more time with you guys, I really do.”

Jiho sits down on his couch and motions for Kyung to do the same.

“Look, I came cause I wanted to tell you something and not to listen to your jealousy fits.”

“It’s not a jealou-”

“I’m serious. My professor asked me to help in an art project he’s doing. I’ll have less time than before. Probably won’t be able to join you during lunch even.”

“What?”

“Yeah. I was surprised myself. I’m going to take him up on this though. Parents insist that it’ll look great on my CV.”

“Am I the first one to hear about this?”

Kyung looks straight at Jiho.

“Yes. Yes, you are.”

“Good.”

“So no jealousy fits until I’m done, ok?”

“What jealousy fits. For fuck’s sake Jiho, I don’t have-”

“Blah, blah, blah. I can’t hear you.”

Kyung glares at him for good measure but caves in.

“Fine. I will behave.”

 

It’s easier said than done. He may appear calm but inside he’s a mess. Not seeing Jiho for days makes him so irritated that he snaps at anything anyone says. He feels impossibly empty as well. The reason isn’t too important. It seems weird for it all to be caused by the fact that Jiho isn’t around. Still, he doesn’t dwell on it. He just wants the feelings to go away. Now.

He flips his phone open and starts looking through his contacts. As expected, he did save the number of the random girl he met the last time he went out with the guys. It’s been a while but he really doesn’t have anything to lose so he sends her a quick text. He can try calling one of his ex-girlfriends if nothing works. His dignity is secondary to the burning desire to nip the strange, wild creature growing in his chest in the bud. He has death glared Jaehyo for just talking to Hanhae the day before and even for him that’s beyond ridiculous. He’s fed up with Hanhae tip-toeing around him now as if he’s afraid too. Yukwon trying to calm him down while smiling in the absurdly sunny way of his almost resulted in Kyung throwing his plate onto the floor. It’s worse than anything he has ever had to go through, even New Zealand was heaven on earth compared.

He chokes on his tea when he gets a text not even half an hour later. It’s easier than he thought it’d ever be. It should make him happy but he’s still bitter. Maybe he really have been single for too long.

 

She’s as he remembered her. Long, straight hair, pretty eyes, slender legs, typically older than him. A bit too perfect in the small coffee shop they meet in. Kyung smiles. It’s not even that forced because her voice is soft like marshmallows and her eyes sparkle with overly contagious happiness. His world dims for a second and she’s the only thing he can see. Maybe that’s enough.

 

Hanhae is annoying. It’s a fact everyone is aware of but Kyung can’t stress it enough. Abso-fucking-lutely annoying. He’s sure that one day his head will explode into millions of tiny confetti because of it all.

His friend has been not-so-subtly following him, probably since he got out of uni. Kyung didn’t really have to try to notice him. It’d be hard to miss someone walking a mere metre behind, being louder than an elephant.

He stops abruptly and turns around. They almost collide.

“Why are you acting like I’m going to bite your head off if you talk to me?”

“Well...”

Kyung feels nasty bile rise inside. It prickles his skin and he wishes he could just peel it off.

“Never thought I’d see you speechless,” he says through clenched teeth.

“I just...Are you ok?”

“Yes, I’m peachy. Why are you asking?”

Hanhae looks confused for what might just be the first time in his life.

“Sorry.”

“We’ve known each other for nearly 8 years. You’ve never said that you’re sorry either.”

“What do you want me to say then?”

“Just act normal!”

“Was it that evident?”

“Yes. So I’m going to elbow you again if you keep trailing me like I’m a serial killer. I’m fine. Honest.”

Hanhae smirks.

“Did you get a girlfriend?”

“What? No!”

“Oh, then you went on a date. I see.”

“Don’t jump to conclusions-”

Hanhae’s hand on his mouth is uninvited. He seriously considers kicking his friend for invading his personal space. He has been selfish for long enough though, so he bites him instead and runs away.

“You stupid grease pot! You’re dead when I catch you!”

 

Jiho texts him later the same day. It’s too dark outside for him to read anything and he can’t be bothered to switch on the light. Hanhae caught him in span of minutes. The slowly emerging bruises are uncontested evidence. Still, he feels lighter, as if someone took excessive baggage off his shoulders. He can breathe properly for the first time since Jiho disappeared from his daily life. So he puts his phone away. He doesn’t even mind that his backpack is still held hostage by Hanhae. It’s fine.

 

He intertwines their fingers. They fit perfectly. It’s effortless and so familiar. Safe.

The first time they kiss, they’re on a river shore. The sun is setting and it couldn’t be more perfect. Her voice is a soothing melody making the wolf cub in his chest immobile. Her eyes could make him drown. It’s all he has on his mind-how much closer he can get, how much more he wants. The need rising inside him and threatening to overflow.

There are no fireworks. The shade the sun leaves is ordinary. It’s ok.

 

Kyung narrows his eyes. Jaehyo smiles his trademark awkward smile and sits next to him. Minhyuk and Hanhae are giggling like teenage girls on crack, watching them while ostentatiously whispering to each other. He thinks about putting his fork to good use again. He has no idea what made Jaehyo decide that he’s suddenly safe either. Everyone has clearly gone mad.

“Kyung…”

He jumps. Jaehyo is too close, his breath tickling his neck and making his fingers clench.

“Y-y-yeah?”

“Jiho was asking about you. He’s been texting you but you never reply.”

“Oh.”

He looks down at his hands. It’s to be expected but he didn’t think Jaehyo would bother to tell him this. The other leans closer.

“Just text him back.”

“Why should I?”

Jaehyo’s eyes widen and he abruptly moves away.

“I…i-isn’t he your best friend?”

Kyung groans. It’s ridiculous. This conversation shouldn’t even be happening. He wants to stand up and leave. He stays still though, for even without looking, he can feel Hanhae giving him the death glare.

“Yes. Yes, he is. I’ll text him when I will.”

“Ok…”

 

“Aren’t you being too hard on him?”

“Shouldn’t you be worried about your boy toy instead?”

Minhyuk just shrugs and looks back at the road.

“Jaehyo has been nothing but nice to you.”

“And you feel the need to tell me this because?”

“Sometimes I think you let your emotions cloud your better judgement. Do you think about what you do any more? Do you even know what you want?”

Kyung swallows heavily. His throat constricts and the walls glue themselves together. Although his mouth is open, no words are able to come out.

“That’s your problem. You say you’ll try but in the end you speak before thinking. Being spontaneous isn’t always a good thing. Give him some credit. And stop acting like Jiho has became your enemy.”

“I’m really selfish, huh?”

“No, you’re just being stupid. Get your shit together and it’ll be fine.”

“Has Jiho been texting you too?”

Minhyuk’s expression is blank.

“Dude, he only ever texts me to ask about you. And may I add, it’s because you feel it’s better to avoid him.”

“I-”

“It’s fine to be possessive but don’t go overboard, ok? Text him back.”

Kyung wonders if he’s that easy to read. Maybe his friends are just too perceptive or maybe he really is oblivious to other people’s feelings. He’s never wanted to be anything but a good friend. Clearly he’s become the resident jerk.

 

Kyung checks his phone. There are 10 unread messages and all are from Jiho. He can only curse. It’s fine to be distracted but that’s pushing it.

_Can we at least meet? I have time today after 5 pm. Come over._

 

By the time he reaches Jiho’s house, he’s breathing so heavily that anyone would think he run a marathon. The truth is that his best friend lives no more than a kilometre away. Nevertheless, he almost collapses onto the doormat after ringing the bell.

He looks up only to find Jiho staring at him with an ugly smirk.

“My, my, did you run all the way here?”

“Maybe…”

“You must be getting old.”

He laughs and helps Kyung stand up. They go into the kitchen in utter silence. Kyung can’t think of anything to say. There’s too much he wants to share all at once. It causes chaos in his head.

“I’m not going to bite you, you know?”

“I know…”

“Have you done something stupid?”

“Huh?”

“Oh god, Kyung don’t tell me you lost your tongue.”

Kyung unconsciously shifts closer to Jiho. He doesn’t necessary want to talk. He’s missed Jiho’s presence, it’s always been a constant, dependable thing in his life. It takes him aback how happy he would be just listening to the other’s breath.

“How is you project going?”

“It’s fine. I’ll be finishing soon. High time, to be honest. I can’t look at brushes without wanting to murder someone any more.”

The silence falls back into place. He hopes his friend will understand but Jiho isn’t good with empty spaces and unsaid words.

“What have you been up to anyway?”

“Pardon?”

“You didn’t bother to text me back. You must have had a reason.”

“Not really…”

“Is it a girl?”

Kyung blinks. How on earth does everyone realize it so quickly is beyond him. It’s not as if he had written it in bold letters on his forehead. His friends couldn’t have seen him with her either. They don’t visit that particular part of town.

“Hanhae told me you’ve been acting weird and you only ever ignore me when you’re in love.”

“I’m not in love.”

“But you have a girlfriend, right?”

“Yes. Yes, I do.”

“Good. I can forgive you for ignoring me if you were getting laid instead.”

Kyung giggles. Trust Jiho to be shameless. At least that didn’t change.

 

He kicks Jiho’s chair and sleepily rubs his eyes.

“Move. It’s my place.”

“Fuck you. It’s too early. I don’t care.”

“Jiho.”

“Kyung.” Jiho mimics with an identical whine. “Just sit next to Jaehyo. I’m not moving. You’ll survive the lecture either way.”

“Fine,” he huffs.

Jaehyo fidgets in his seat. Kyung can’t blame him though. He’s been working real hard at alienating him again after all.

“You shouldn’t have let Jiho take advantage of you.”

“What?”

“With the art project? You should have left him alone. He won’t give you any credit. He’s too much of a selfish bitch.”

“Says who,” Jiho spits back.

“It’s fine, really. If I didn’t want to, I wouldn’t have helped him.”

“Oh? I bet he must have blackmailed you. Why would you readily subject yourself to dealing with Jiho while he’s in his annoying artist mood?”

“It’s not that bad,” Jaehyo says while trying to suppress a smile.

“Lies. The last time he asked me to help him mix the paint, he shouted at me for good 30 minutes just because I added too much white. Hanhae helped him transport the gigantic canvas to school and afterwards swore to move away if Jiho ever asked anything of him again.”

“Well…he did chase me with his pink scissors around the house after I folded the paper a millimetre too close to the right side.”

“The hello kitty scissors?”

“Yeah.”

He chuckles.

“Wow Jiho. Didn’t you get those in 3rd grade of elementary school?”

“Shut up, you two! I have these scissors with me and I won’t hesitate to use them!”

 

He tries harder this time. The wolf cub is growing slowly, feeding off any negative emotions he may have. It’s hiding and waiting. Kyung can never be sure if it won’t attack. Wild animals are unpredictable and the one he’s involuntary rising is made of anger.

 

The table is half-empty. Hanhae and Taeil are off studying. Not your everyday kind of thing, at least when Hanhae is concerned. Yukwon haven’t been showing up in general and Minhyuk seems pretty fascinated by his notes. He doesn’t even look up when he and Jaehyo sit down. He wonders if he should say anything. Still, he knows that Minhyuk will talk to him of his own accord if he feels the need to discuss his problems. Maybe it’s not even that bad. After all Minhyuk hasn’t officially broken up with his girlfriend. He and Yukwon hasn’t been going out either. It’s not his friend’s typical behaviour but who is he to judge.

Jiho has disappeared right after class without saying a word. Kyung didn’t feel like waiting for him. Although a few months ago he’d have preferred to take extra math classes than go anywhere with Jaehyo, he doesn’t mind now. Sometimes he’ll catch himself staring at the other for a bit too long. Still, it’s nothing serious and Jaehyo is pretty so it’s natural…should be…He really doesn’t see the need to analyze his actions too deeply. Jaehyo isn’t the only person he likes looking at.

Jiho forcefully squeezes himself in-between him and Jaehyo. He groans. They rarely get the chance to talk, not to mention manage to hold a civil conversation. There’s no need for Jiho to constantly butt in.

“Jiho! Your elbow is currently murdering my essay! Move!”

“Why so serious?”

Kyung narrows his eyes.

“I need to hand it in today, you idiot. My professor doesn’t appreciate random creases.”

“Ok, Ok.”

Jiho pushes the chair to the side. Kyung swears that every possible hair he has rises. It’s oppressing because Jiho’s thigh is touching his and there’s no space to breath. They’re almost perfectly pressed together. He feels dizzy, as if it were a sensory overload. He bites his cheek and counts down to 10. Anything to start thinking straight again.

 

He can’t stay still. There’s a cloud following him whenever he goes. It’s heavy with buried thoughts and uncomfortable memories, slowly but surely making raindrops fall down.

“Don’t think too much.”

Her voice brings him back into reality. He didn’t even realize how badly he’s been spacing out.

“I’ve been told I think too little.”

“It all depends on the situation. Torturing yourself with the same thoughts over and over again doesn’t do anyone any good.”

“How am I supposed to know how to act then?”

“No one knows. You can only take a more or less calculated guess.”

“That’s not helpful at all.”

“You’re not supposed to be perfect though.”

“What if I seem to always be mistaken?”

“Maybe you’re just looking at things from the wrong perspective? Try putting yourself in other people’s shoes?”

She presses her lips to his cheek.

“Stay the night.”

It’s sudden and his surprise must show. She laughs.

“There’s no innuendo included. A change of scenery might do you good.”

He nods. Not that he’s good at keeping his hands to himself around girls. Hanhae taught him too well.

 

“Do I have something on my face?”

Kyung is genuinely concerned. Jiho has been staring at him with an unreadable expression for past few hours, almost as if he was trying to decipher how Kyung has changed since the last time they saw each other. The thing is that he’s absolutely the same. Even his clothes are probably the same, he’s lazy when he’s not being forced to dress up.

Jiho slides into his chair and knocks the breath out of him with his bony elbow.

“Do you want a magnifying loop to have an even better view maybe?

“I’m fine.”

“I don’t have any breathing space left?”

“So?”

Kyung narrows his eyes.

“So? What are we, 5? Why are you inspecting me?!”

“No reason really.”

He rolls his eyes and stands up. It’s so abrupt that Jiho barely manages to grab the edge of the table in order not to fall.

“Great. I’m going though so I guess you’ll have to find a new victim.”

 

Jiho stops him when he’s on his way home. He still looks at him with unmasked curiosity but leaves his personal bubble alone, which is dandy since Kyung has been feeling queasy having his friend too close. It’s nothing major, of course. He blames their prolonged separation.

They walk in silence. It’s unnerving because Jiho looks like he really wants to ask him something. Kyung hates when people beat around the bush. Who does such illogical behaviour even benefit?

“Spill the beans!”

“Huh?”

“What is it that you want to know?”

“Uhm...well...Why haven’t you introduced your girlfriend to me yet?”

“What? Is it necessary?”

“You’ve been going out for some time already. You must be serious about her, right?”

“Maybe...”

“Then why not introduce her to me? I know all your ex-girlfriends.”

“I don’t feel the need to.”

“Are you for real? Is she ok with that?”

“Don’t worry about it, ok? You’ll meet her sooner or later anyway.”

“Fine.”

“Is it? You sound like you’re sulking.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Am not! Forget it.”

 

Jiho calls him 2 days later. It’s Friday night so Kyung pretty much can predict where this conversation will go.

“Are you free tomorrow night?”

“What’s the occasion? Or rather, is there one?”

“Guys said that we need to celebrate my return to having a social life.”

“You mean Hanhae took advantage of the situation?”

“Yeah, exactly. So?”

“I don’t know, Jiho.”

“Hanhae promised me that he won’t try to hook you up. Come on, let’s get drunk together. We haven’t been out in ages.”

“...”

“Kyunggggggggg.”

“Will he really leave me alone?”

“Yes! I swear!”

He sighs.

“What time?”

 

The house is so packed that it’s a fight just to get past the entrance. He has no idea who’s throwing the party but he doesn’t envy all the cleaning up they will have to do. He’d probably move out more readily. Ever since the fresher’s week’s party that Hanhae organized, he wasn’t able to sit on his couch in the living room without remembering all the bodily fluids they found the day after.

He turns around and realizes that Jaehyo and Jiho are nowhere to be seen. He groans. They left him just like this, without saying even a word. It’s not as if he came here willingly. Jiho should have at least kept him company for a while. Clearly Jaehyo was more important though and Kyung has never hated him more.

He decides to just walk around and look for something to drink. It’s a few steps later that he hears Hanhae’s loud voice. Trust the idiot to make himself noticed wherever he goes. There are 2 people with him and they seem familiar. Kyung goes straight towards them.

It turns out that Hanhae made Jihoon and Mino tag along. He hasn’t seen them in what seems like forever. Nevertheless, catching up with them becomes impossible a few minutes later when Jihoon starts getting excited about something Kyung has no idea about (the only word he can make out is ‘hyung’). His explosive aegyo joins the display soon enough and Kyung wishes his head would stop trying to burst. Everything appears to be too much and he starts retreating the moment he notices the cosy looking coach at the back of the living room. Not that either Jihoon or Mino mind his behaviour since they resort to chatting up random girls closer to the bar.

He’s downing what is probably his sixth drink when he notices Jiho staggering drunkenly in his direction. He flops heavily on the couch right next to him and looks up with a shit-eating grin that’s stretching his face to an uncomfortable degree. Kyung pokes him experimentally in the side. Instead of being brutally murdered on the spot, he only gets a giggle in response. That’s enough for him to assess just how gone Jiho is.

“Hello there princess,” drawls Jiho.

Kyung decides that he must be rather tipsy himself for he’s still not facepalming. He spots an open beer in Jiho’s hand and slowly tries to take it away before his wasted friend spills it on both of them.

“I see you’re not one to wait,” Jiho says while looking dreamily at his face. “You have such pretty eyes, princess.”

He feels an overwhelming need to run away when Jiho starts inching towards him. He moves towards the other end of the couch but is quickly trapped between the armrest and the other boy.

“Erhm...Can you maybe give me some space?”

“Not really, I like it here.”

Kyung swallows heavily and looks away. Jiho is sprawled all over his lap, all warm and solid. He can feel Jiho’s breath tickling his neck and his stomach doing somersaults. Trying to shift and escape only results in them coming closer. He can hear Jiho sigh and then the music and the overwhelming noise of the party fade into the background because for whatever reason Jiho is kissing him as if there’s nothing else that’s important in this time and space. It’s too unexpected, too surreal, too breathtaking and too everything for his head is spinning in circles, all around some orbit it created for itself. He has no idea what he’s doing either because he’s clearly kissing back. It seems like five seconds is his preferable amount of time for making sane decisions. He has to stifle a laugh when he thinks how proud Hanhae would be for him going with the flow for once. Not that he has much liberty to think about anything more. Jiho bites him hard and licks at the wound and presses closer and...oh, that felt nice. He decides to just focus on the sensations and save feeling guilty for the next day. Jiho moves to his neck but it’s slow and deliberate. Kyung’s fingers seem to have their own ideas too. They scratch and pull. There’s a void where the wild creature used to reside in his chest. It feels as if someone cut it open and forgot to stitch the wound afterwards, the invisible blood gushing everywhere. For a split second he wonders if maybe the cut goes all the way until his spinal cord, leaving him exposed and vulnerable. A voice at the back of his head seems to agree, especially now when he’s completely not in control of his actions. Just wanting more and more. Even though it’s not the best kiss of his life. It’s way too messy to be anywhere near.

Jiho’s hands start inching closer to his pants. There’s probably an alarm going off in his head but he ignores it and lets the other pull down the zipper.

“Oh here you are, Jiho. Weren’t you supposed to-Oh.”

Jaehyo’s voice is like a bucket of cold water being poured over every inch of his body. He knows he will be thankful for the distraction later on but right now he wants to punch him in his pretty face so hard it leaves him unrecognizable.

Jiho, on the other hand, isn’t bothered. He continues to tug at Kyung’s jeans without sparing Jaehyo even a glance. Kyung yelps and tries his best to stop him. Still, Jiho is determined. Kyung decides he has no other choice and reaches for the beer can he took from Jiho earlier. Then, he successfully knocks his friend out.

The left-over beer lands perfectly on his and Jaehyo’s face. It’s so warm that it tastes like piss when Kyung tries to lick some of it off. Nevertheless, the look of utter horror on Jaehyo’s face is enough of a compensation.

 

There are clouds all around him, soft like cotton and incredibly white. He’s floating in the air as if he weighted nothing. He can feel the wind in his hair and it’s so warm, so nice. Suddenly, his sense of equilibrium shifts and he’s falling down down down down...

He lands on the carpet face-down. His nose is made of pins and needles and one of his legs is still lying immobile on the couch. He rolls off it completely and sits up. Hanhae is sprawled on the floor just next to him, with empty cans creating a halo around his head. Jiho is occupying the whole couch now and Kyung realizes why he ended up on the floor in the first place. His friend has never been one to share things, especially not his bed.

He stands up and zigzags through the messy room towards the door. It’s still early but he’d rather finish sleeping his hangover away at home, in his own bed. His head is pounding, thoughts running wildly around. He wonders what has actually happened last night.

 

It’s a random advertisement he’s staring at in the tube that refreshes his memory. It’s a miracle he doesn’t fall down the escalator in shock.

_i made out with Jiho. with Jiho. i really did. and i liked it. what to do now. the world is coming to and end. oh my god. and Jaehyo saw us and...did he actually take my pants off? god, please let this be a bad dream._

When he reaches home, he goes straight to bed. Thinking doesn’t seem too appealing. He can do that tomorrow or the day after or...never.

 

He avoids everyone he can, mainly Jiho. It’s pretty hard since they share quite a number of classes but he manages to at least run away fast enough once the classes are done. It goes on for a week until Jaehyo corners him in the library.

“So why are you acting like you don’t know any of your friends anymore?”

Kyung blushes. Seeing Jaehyo is like getting punched. The wolf claws at his rib cage and rips cardiac muscles apart.

“Erhm...no reason?”

“No one remembers what happened, you know?”

“Huh?”

Jaehyo smirks and leans towards him, lips brushing against his ear.

“It won’t be awkward unless you keep disappearing because Jiho can’t recall shit. He was way too drunk.”

“Oh. I see.”

“So come to lunch today.”

Kyung can feel the panic rising, filling his stomach and setting it on fire.

“I..well..I-”

“I’m serious. Just come and see for yourself.”

He takes a deep breath to calm down his nerves and follows Jaehyo out of the library.

 

Jiho side eyes him for a while. Kyung reckons it’s the result of the whole avoiding business. His friend is way too calm, it’s as if he were being judged for being stupid. They don’t talk much during the lunch. He mainly keeps to Hanhae who manages to keep him sane every time he goes through a crisis. It’s some kind of magic, probably, that helps Hanhae be unaffected by any shit life throws at him. He wishes he could do that too.

 

“Any reason why you’ve been avoiding me for a week?”

“Uhm...”

Jiho looks him straight in the eyes. He’s sure he’ll start blushing like a girl on her first date in a second or spontaneously combust.

“Did I do anything stupid during the party?”

“Not really.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah...just forget it. It’s nothing.”

He can see that Jiho doesn’t believe him. Not that he’s surprised since his explanation is absolutely horrible. What can he say though? He’s not ready to talk about the kiss with Jiho. Hell, he doesn’t have the slightest idea why he kissed back.

“If that makes you happy...”

He has to stop himself from sighing out loud in relief. Still, Jiho isn’t usually this agreeable so he can’t help but wonder if maybe the other remembers more than what he lets on.

 

Jaehyo is weird, has been so since the day Kyung met him. He seemed shy and awkward at first but once he felt comfortable, he became a different person. He’s still gigantically awkward. Kyung is sure the long limbs are to blame, especially the legs. No, he’s not envious. He’s perfectly fine being as tall as he is. Still, Jaehyo started behaving mischievously, like a little kid. Kyung swears that one day the other will threaten him with a knife if he makes fun of him during lunch again. He stole his homework in revenge before. He’s unpredictable but Kyung isn’t sure he likes it.

He doesn’t like it right now, for example. He has enough on his mind due to all the Jiho feelings he’s having. Jaehyo, throwing himself at him, isn’t invited. He wants to be left alone. Even Jiho accepted it and he’s not the most accommodating person.

“Aren’t you supposed to have a class right now?”

“Not really. The professor is on a sick leave.”

Just his luck. He focuses all his attention on his maths textbook. Maybe if he doesn’t talk, Jaehyo will get the hint and go away.

“You don’t have any more math classes today.”

“Are you stalking me?”

“Of course, I-I’m not.”

Kyung wonders; Jaehyo stutters only when he’s embarrassed or lying. Both options creep him out.

“Do you like Jiho?”

He closes the textbook in surprise and falls off his chair in the most cliché way possible. Jaehyo starts laughing.

“I saw everything that happened that night. No need to be so shocked.”

Kyung grimaces and sits back on the chair carefully. He moves further away from Jaehyo just to be safe.

“Well, I was drunk.”

“And people say that once you’re drunk, your inhibitions are forgotten. You do what you actually want to.”

“Not always.”

“Maybe you’re just bisexual?”

“Jaehyo, forget what you saw and move on. I don’t feel the need to talk about it.”

“Are you in denial?” Jaehyo chuckles.

“No. I don’t need to discuss this because I’m not.”

“Whatever you want.”

“Perfect. Now let me finish this in peace.”

He looks at Jaehyo’s retreating back with unreasonable fear. He can bet his life that the other is going to be the end of him.

 

He can’t focus on the movie. He’s distracted by anything and everything, and he wishes he could just cut his brain out to stop it from overheating. Even the sound of her breathing doesn’t calm him down. Deep down, he feels guilty, which is ridiculous for he didn’t do anything consciously. He’s just been drunk.

His fingers wander down her thigh. The skin is soft and smooth. He sighs. Kyung can look at his girlfriend but he’s automatically reminded of Jiho. It’s a vicious circle, mainly because he tries to suppress such thoughts.

“You’re awfully quiet today.”

“Am I?”

She shifts so that they’re facing each other. Kyung is slightly worried by the serious expression on her face.

“Do you like someone else?”

He chokes on his own saliva.

“W-What?”

“Do you? I know that you wouldn’t cheat on me but that doesn’t mean you can’t fall in love with someone else.”

“...”

“You can be honest with me.”

“There’s no one else, I swear.”

“Ok.”

A heavy feeling settles above them the moment they stop talking. She may not press him but he knows that this conversation isn’t over. It’s his own fault though, he can’t blame her for being perceptive. He will have to face the mess he helped creating sooner or later anyway.

 

He decides to talk to Minhyuk. Hanhae may be closer to him but Kyung doesn’t feel comfortable touching on this particular topic with him. And it’s easier to get Minhyuk alone.

“Can I ask you something personal?”

“It’s not like you to ask for permission but sure.”

“This may sound weird.”

“Kyung...”

“Ok, Ok. When did you know you were bisexual?”

Minhyuk’s eyes widen and for a moment no one says a thing.

“Is there something I should know?”

“Can you answer my question?”

“Only if you answer mine afterwards.”

“Deal.”

“Yukwon wasn’t the first guy I was attracted to. It happened a few times before. I can’t tell you when exactly it started. At some point I discovered I didn’t mind kissing guys, that’s all. It’s a pretty individual thing, I guess.”

“That doesn’t help me.”

“Help you in what?”

“Doesn’t matter really.”

Minhyuk stops the car on the roadside.

“You’ve promised. Tell me or we’re going to sit here forever and you’ll be late for work.”

“But-”

“It’s obvious you want to share whatever happened. Otherwise you wouldn’t have asked me anything.”

“Remember the last party that Hanhae made us go to? Jiho kissed me then and I let him.”

“Did you like it?”

“Huh?”

“Did you?”

Kyung fidgets in his seat. He didn’t expect the conversation to go in this direction. It’s suffocating. He doesn’t want to talk about his own feelings at all.

“I think I did. Happy?”

“Kyung, I want to help you. I’m not going to use this against you.”

He starts the engine and looks back at the road. Kyung prays for nothing else to be said.

“I can’t figure it out for you. There’s a possibility that you like Jiho but it’d probably be better to talk to him instead.”

“Over my dead body.”

 

Life isn’t liking him too much. He may bitch and moan about it how much he wants but the fact remains. He doesn’t even flinch when Jiho asks him for help with his maths homework. Kyung predicated something like this happening.

He forgets himself pretty quickly. Jiho is close enough for him to stare at as much as he wants, without getting noticed. There’s no one around either.

Jiho’s mouth opens slowly. It takes him a long moment to process that his friend is talking to him. He blushes and looks down. What he sees startles him even more. He’s holding Jiho’s hand captive and has been probably playing with his fingers for a while. Damn Jiho for having such nice hands and the long fingers and pretty fingernails and-

“Can I get my hand back now?”

“Sure. Uhm.”

“You’re incredibly absent-minded today.”

“Just have a lot on my mind.”

“Oh?”

Kyung swallows heavily. Jiho is looking straight at him once again and he has no idea what to do. It’s a disaster. He wishes he could leave but that would just make the matters worse.

His stomach flips unnaturally when Jiho puts his hand on his thigh. He’s pretty positive that gravity should work inside his body as well but clearly his insides have other ideas. The touch burns.

“So I’ve been saying that I can’t solve this problem. Care to help?”

“Of course. Which one?”

He tries to distract himself but he can feel Jiho’s hand long after it’s gone. He can admit it now. He’s royally fucked.

 

He bumps into Jaehyo on the way out of the library. The other wiggles his eyebrows at him in a not-so-subtle way. If Jiho wasn’t here, Kyung would punch him in that smug face. Fortunately, Jiho doesn’t notice anything at all. It’s a humongous relief. He doesn’t need more embarrassing situations, the incident in the library was enough for the rest of his life.

 

It’s disgusting how he runs to her every time he can’t deal with himself. But it’s overwhelming. Every emotion is expanded to an impossible degree and he feels overly full. He needs to get at least some of it out, get rid of the frustration and ever-increasing want before it consumes him whole.

She doesn’t ask, just lets him press her against the door and kisses back. And he only wants more and more and more. Taking whatever he can get, throwing his sanity out of the window. It’s beyond selfish. He never wonders if she cries because of him, for she must know. All he does is kiss her and touch. He doesn’t even think about her, imagining that it’s someone else’s heart that’s pounding under his hand.

 

Hanhae kidnaps him right before lunch. He’s forcefully dragged, while kicking and cursing his friend, to the postgraduates’ common room and thrown onto the floor. Hanhae jumps him before he manages to start shouting for real.

“I needed to talk to you alone so let me explain.”

Kyung nods but still kicks Hanhae for good measure.

“Ouch! You’re such a violent bitch.”

“There was no need to kidnap me.”

“You wouldn’t have come voluntarily. It’s lunch time after all.”

“Well?”

“It’s about Minhyuk. You’ve noticed how sad he’s been recently, right?”

“Huh?”

Now that he thinks about it, it’s true that Minhyuk has been more quiet than usually. He didn’t think it was anything major though. Still, he might have just been too absorbed in his own problems.

“Are you serious? He’s been looking like death ever since Yukwon stopped hanging out with us. We need to do something about it.”

“And you suggest?”

“There’s a festival on the weekend...”

“Wait. You’re not taking us to get wasted in some dodgy club?!”

Hanhae groans and smacks him on the head.

“I’m not thinking about booze 24/7!”

“Could have fooled me,” he says while laughing.

“Anyway, what do you think?”

“Why not. I’ll make him come, you tell the others.”

 

It proves really easy. Minhyuk seems to have no objections to anything. Kyung figures he may actually want a distraction. One point for Hanhae, minus thousand for Kyung.

They visit every possible food stall. After the first hour Kyung prays for his stomach to start digesting again. He can never resist food, especially during the festivals. It’s greasy and unhealthy as hell, but tastes divine. That’s probably why he’s having the third portion of yakisoba-the most delicious form of death.

Hanhae is all over Minhyuk from the start. Kyung is a bit surprised, for while they don’t exactly dislike each other, they usually don’t spend time alone. Still, it’s a good thing because Minhyuk is smiling and acting so much more alive. Now that he can see the contrast, he realizes how right Hanhae actually was.

He hasn’t managed to talk to Jiho at all. He and Jaehyo appeared to care little about anyone else. In the end, it left him with Taeil and Jihoon to raid the food stalls. He doesn’t mind that but Jiho is like a magnet, pulling at his nerves and forcing him closer. He keeps looking in his direction without thinking. When Taeil suggests they go to the other side of the river, next to which the festival is being held, he agrees readily. The further he is from Jiho now, the better.

He’s baffled. He has no idea what triggers the storm and roaring in his chest this time. It’s almost like a punch to his face, hurts too much for him to stay. He’s pissed off mostly at himself. It’s laughable. It’s against logic and gravity and the last time he checked apples weren’t falling upwards. Here it is though-jealousy in all its glory. He mumbles something about needing to go to the toilet and basically runs for his life once he’s out of everyone’s sight.

He slumps against the wall. The pain is dull and subsides after a few deep breaths. He decides to stand up then and nearly bumps into something. Puzzled, he looks up, only to find Jaehyo standing right in front of him. No one says a word.

Finally, Kyung raises an eyebrow and utters, “What is it?” He gets no reply. The situation slowly begins to creep him out. Jaehyo may not talk his life away but staying completely silent in front of someone doesn’t seem like his thing to do. Kyung has to stifle a yelp when Jaehyo abruptly moves closer.

“Dude what the-”

He never finishes the sentence. He’s sure he must have been transported to a different dimension because Jaehyo’s lips are on his. The situation fits perfectly into the cliché ‘wrong on so many different levels’, feels as if it’s been created for this exact moment.

His brain shuts off but he does nothing, just stands there and lets Jaehyo do whatever he pleases. And Jaehyo moves even closer, presses him in the wall so much it’s painful. Kyung doesn’t protest. It’s too bizarre. He thinks that maybe that’s why he kisses back, maybe he doesn’t even know where is he or who he is with anymore. In the end, all that matters is that it feels good. Really good even, because Jaehyo kisses him like the world is ending, like it’s the only thing he’s ever wanted, like he can’t get enough. Even Jiho didn’t kiss him with this amount of passion. Wait. Why is he thinking about him now? How fucked up can this get?

Jaehyo has managed to get half-rid of Kyung’s jeans by the time he looks at what’s happening around him. He’s impressed. Nevertheless, he’s not too sure if Jaehyo being on his knees in front of him isn’t currently making babies die on the other side of continent. Jaehyo gets down on him quite literally though and Kyung deems the possible deaths unworthy of his attention.

He comes so hard that he bites his tongue enough to draw blood while trying to suppress a shout. Jaehyo’s smug grin makes him regret not coming on the idiot’s face.

He’s in a really good mood until the moment he sees Jiho. He wants to hide, preferably under the ground forever. It’s a train-wreck. He’s pretty sure Jiho can read him like an open book. It doesn’t help that he and Jaehyo look rather dishevelled. And he wonders what he can say to his girlfriend now. This time he wasn’t even drunk.

 

It’s dark and cold to an almost oppressive degree. He can see absolutely nothing at first even though he’s straining his eyes. With a sigh, he takes an experimental step forward and then another one. There seems to be nothing in his way so he starts walking more confidently. A moment later he bumps into something strong and hard to touch and realizes that he’s in some sort of a forest.

Nothing seems familiar although he can’t shake away the feeling that he knows the way out very well. He continues going around in circles. He has never been one to feel claustrophobic in closed spaces but he can’t help but think that the trees are moving closer to each other on purpose; to confuse and trap him in the forest forever. The moonlight that suddenly starts seeping through the foliage just magnifies the eerie feeling and makes goose bumps rise along his arms. There’s no wind, and no birds or insects can be heard. The only sound is the slow dripping of cold sweat down his back and the contraction of his veins.

At some point he catches sight of a movement to his right. It disappears as quickly as it appeared. He halts but decides to go to where the movement came from. He barely manages to squeeze himself into the small opening left between the trees in front of him. Once he’s done, he notices he’s in a clearing of sorts. He slowly looks around and is met with a pale face that’s mere centimetres away from his. The stranger’s eyes are horribly empty and expressionless. He moves closer and the muscles in Kyung’s throat constrict painfully. Instead of the eyes there are just empty sockets, no eyeballs anywhere in sight. He tries to scream but no sound comes out. He just stands, rooted to the spot while his pulse goes on a roller coaster ride.

He’s greeted by the eerily white ceiling and a complete silence. His fingers are digging into the bedsheets and his breath is ragged. He’s done with sleep for tonight.

 

Kyung sticks to Hanhae like glue. Jaehyo gives him goose bumps. There’s almost instant tension in the air the moment they both find themselves in the same room. He’s too much of a coward to face Jiho either. What would he say though? They aren’t together and Kyung isn’t even sure what he feels towards him any more. Maybe it’s pure lust, maybe it’s the same with Jaehyo. It’s so much easier to just ignore the world and fool around with Hanhae. Not that his friend won’t confront him. Hanhae always manages to catch on, it’s just a matter of when.

 

Kyung isn’t disappointed. It takes Hanhae exactly 6 days and 4 hours. Although the other has only told him to come over after uni, he already knows. Hanhae rarely invites anyone to his place unless he’s throwing a party.

“What have you done?”

“Straight to the point, I see.”

“No seriously, Kyung. Everyone can see that something has happened between you and Jaehyo.”

“I don’t want to tell you the details.”

“You do realize that the idiot is in love with you, right?”

“Excuse me?”

He should have known. It all makes so much more sense now.

“Everyone has known for ages. You can be incredibly blind.”

“It’s always easier when it doesn’t concern you.”

“Bullshit. Jaehyo couldn’t have been more obvious.”

“I had no idea, ok?!”

“Have you kissed? Is that why you’re so tense around him?”

“The tension isn’t my fault!”

“Kyung, you’re the one who creates it. Jaehyo appears to be pretty all right.”

“I...”

“Talk to him. Acting on impulse has its repercussions. You need to face it.”

“I didn’t act on impulse! It was him. Oh god, I hate him.”

“Your Jaehyo hate was endearing in its own way at the beginning but it got old. You’re only lying to yourself.”

Hanhae pats him on the back.

“Seriously, talk it out. You don’t want to tip toe around him forever. It’ll be fine.”

 

It’s easier said than done. He’s basically shivering from nerves while waiting for Jaehyo to show up. Kyung has no idea what to say or do. He doesn’t even know how to behave around Jaehyo. He hopes the other has ignored his texts and won’t come. Then, he will have a valid excuse and Hanhae won’t pester him about it any more.

However, Jaehyo is amazingly punctual. He sits down, opposite of Kyung in the half-empty coffee shop. His muscles automatically constrict and he becomes a buddle of nerves. In this moment Jaehyo is the scariest person he has ever encountered.

“Look, I...I don’t know why I acted the way I did during the festival. I didn’t mean anything by it. I-”

“I know.”

He can see Jaehyo smiling and it’s bizarre.

“You do?”

“Of course. I guess you could say I took advantage of the situation.”

“Aren’t you a bit too understanding?”

“You’re acting like a fish out of water. It’s painful to watch. Maybe it’s pity but I don’t hold this against you.”

He’s confused even more. His life has become a dramatic soap opera that doesn’t want to end.

“I’ve heard you’re in love with me though.”

“That’s true but I know it isn’t mutual. I will move on. For me love is like a game anyway. I keep a distance so I rarely get hurt.”

“Then you were just playing me?”

“In a way. But you were too.”

“What?”

“You don’t know your own feelings and you’re not trying to sort them out. You think you love your girlfriend but you cheat on her. Then, you think you love Jiho but act like nothing has ever happened. Something’s gotta give. You can’t have everyone.”

“I know that well enough.”

“Life is unrelenting, Kyung. If you don’t stop being greedy, it’ll bite you in the ass.”

“I know! I wish it was that easy to fix!”

“But it is. You’re just making it difficult for yourself.”

Jaehyo sighs and gets up.

“Look, we’re fine. If you want a casual fling, I actually won’t mind either. I know I’m irresistible. Think about your girlfriend’s and Jiho’s feelings though.”

“I-I...”

He takes a deep breath and looks Jaehyo in the eyes.

“Thank you, really. Maybe I needed to hear this.”

“Probably. Hanhae is all talk but he never wants to hurt you after all.”

 

She texts him a few days later. Kyung hasn’t seen her for a while. He wants to talk to her but feels like the biggest jerk. No matter how he words things, he sounds cold. How does he face someone he has lied to and hurt so many times? He doesn’t want her to think she has been just a toy. He did love her, even if somehow it has changed.

 

They decide to meet in the same coffee shop they met in the first time. It’s not even him who suggests it, it’s actually her.

She looks perfect. This one thing that will surely never change.

Kyung fidgets in his chair. He has gone through this in his head a dozen times. Hell, he has it all memorized. Still, not a word comes out. All he can do is sit and stare at his fingernails.

“Kyung?”

He doesn’t even have the courage to look up.

“You want to break up, right?”

The statement is enough to get his full attention. He doesn’t answer though. She sighs and grabs his chin to make him look her in the eyes.

“I’ve expected it. Just say the words.”

He swallows heavily.

“I...I think we should break up.”

“Ok.”

He’s genuinely surprised. If he didn’t know better, he’d think she has never loved him.

“That’s it?”

“Did you expect me to shout and cry?”

“Aren’t you too forgiving?”

“I knew what I was getting myself into by going out with you from the very beginning. I could see your heart wasn’t fully invested but I thought it would be all right. I thought you would fall completely in love with me after some time. Clearly, I was wrong. I can’t blame you for this. I may want to but it’s not fair.”

He blinks. It’s too sudden and too much. He’s never thought that his feelings were this transparent. It seems everyone knew what was going on long before he figured it out. He feels utterly stupid.

“I’ll be fine. Make sure you take this chance. Bye.”

Kyung contemplates running after her for a moment. It’s selfish, he knows it well. Still, looking at her retreating figure pierces his heart. There’s just pain and helplessness while his elaborately constructed world falls apart. Lie after lie.

 

Inbox (1)  
10:53 pm

_I loved you more than I did anyone else before but one needs to know when to give up._

Unsent (1)  
10:54 pm

_I wish we were forever. You’d have made me happy. I know I shouldn’t have treated us so recklessly._

 

It’s barely a few days after he broke up with her. It hit him harder than he expected but he’s managed to glue all the pieces of his heart back together (even if they are crooked and fragile and could perish if hit by harsh words). He’s been prepared for the worst after all. Nevertheless, he figures he should just go with the current momentum and solve all his problems in one go. It’s a suicidal plan, if he were frank. Still, he’s tired of the constant drama. He wishes he could just hang out with all of his friends without the awkwardness and pent-up emotions clouding his judgement. He’s at his breaking point and it shows.

He double checks the schedule, to be sure the morning class is indeed being taken just by him and Jiho. Unnecessary attention of other people is unwanted. He checks again before going out of the house as well. Jaehyo’s attention especially would ruin everything. Hell, Jaehyo’s mouth itself would. Sometimes he thinks that Jaehyo is just a good actor, behaving in a way that benefits him in the particular situation he’s in.

Jiho is, as always, in class early. There’s no one else but him, which is logical since everyone dreads the 8 am lessons. Kyung is impressed with himself for making it to uni so early. Still, if he wants to ever say anything, that’s his only chance. He only does such ridiculous things when he’s half-asleep.

His friend notices him immediately. He greets him but goes back to staring at his notebook. Kyung starts feeling uneasy. He wonders if maybe today isn’t the best day after all.

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing much. I have an essay due for the history of art class but no idea what to write about.”

“I see.”

He is juggling the words in his head but he can’t come with any innovative way to phrase his thoughts. It’s the same old. That’s not always bad, he reckons.

“Remember the party during which you got completely shit-faced? The one Hanhae made us go to?”

Jiho puts his pen down and turns towards him.

“Yeah...”

“Well...You kissed me then.”

“So I did.”

“Huh? You remember?”

“Indeed.”

“What...Why didn’t you say anything? Why did you even kiss me in the first place?”

“I was drunk.”

“That’s it?”

“Sure? Anyone would have been fine, to be honest. I was too gone.”

Kyung feels invisible fingernails scratching the skin around his spine. It stings like nothing he has ever felt before.

“Oh really? That’s good to know.”

“Wait. Was this an indirect confession?”

Jiho looks panicked out of the sudden but Kyung can’t be bothered. He has had enough.

“As if that’s important. You don’t care about who you fuck anyway.”

He storms out of the classroom and goes back only after the bell has rung.

 

He tries to act as if he were unaffected. It makes the wolf in his chest crazy. It tears to shreds anything it can touch and leaves Kyung fighting for breath. If he could, he wouldn’t interact with anyone any more. He wanted to fix everyone but in the end he has created an even bigger mess.

Jiho, on the other hand, doesn’t appear to be affected in the slightest. He may sometimes hesitate when they are too close or swallow any even barely suggestive jokes. Kyung has known him for long enough to realize that. He’s surprised that the other thinks he can fool him. The only thing it accomplishes is hurt him more.

Everyone else is blissfully unaware of what has happened. He’s happy about it and hopes he can keep it this way. His friendship with Jiho is hanging on a thread too thin for other people to try walking on it too.

 

He decides to ignore the door bell. His parents are out and the only people who ever visit him here are Hanhae and Jiho, both whom he has no intention of talking to right now. Still, he gives up after 10 minutes of growing headache and numbers swimming leisurely before his eyes. If he can’t finish solving all the problems in the textbook, he might as well waste his time in other ways.

“How did you even get my address?!”

Jaehyo smirks and invites himself inside his house.

“Let’s just say that Hanhae is easy to blackmail.”

“Of course. Jiho wouldn’t have said a word.”

“About you? Right now he definitely wouldn’t, no?”

He takes a step back. This sounds absolutely wrong.

“Because, you know, he’s a total idiot and rejected you. I guess he likes to ignore his problems just as much as you do.”

“Who said anything about a rejection?”

He tries to sound surprised but one look at Jaehyo’s face tells him he failed at it splendidly.

“Nothing needed to be said. It was rather everything you both didn’t say.”

“What’s done is done. If you want to talk about it, then I suggest you leave.”

“You don’t want to be comforted? I can give you special service for free.”

“I don’t know what you’re thinking but I can tell that it’s stupid, so no.”

Jaehyo pushes him against the hall wall. It’s familiar and Kyung wonders if maybe he should take Jaehyo on his offer. It’s be so easy to just lose himself, to stop over-thinking every word Jiho has uttered since the last time they talked.

“You’re really sure?” Jaehyo breathes into his ear.

The graze sets his blood on fire and he wants and wants and wants and. But one kiss is enough, for Kyung has gone too far to fall behind again.

“Look, there’s only one person I like and I may not be with him, but I won’t go around using other people any more. I promised myself.”

Jaehyo pats him on the shoulder.

“Probably the best choice. I came to console you with a movie anyway.”

He takes a DVD out of his bag and Kyung groans.

“Sorry but I couldn’t resist. You’re handsome when you’re pissed off.”

 

It has been feeling like summer for a few days already. Although there’s still a month left until the end of uni, he’s happy. It helps that the Advanced Math’s professor is away for the first time this year. He’ll gladly spend the free period outside.

He passes the main campus grounds and is about to turn the corner of the main Arts building when he notices two familiar people. Jaehyo and Jiho are standing a few meters away from him. He quietly hides behind the nearest tree. It may be ridiculous but he’s too curious to stop himself from eavesdropping.

At first, Jaehyo has the overly familiar smirk on his face. He says something, seemingly carelessly. However, the moment Jiho answers him, Jaehyo’s smile disappears. If anything, he looks as if he regretted meeting up with Jiho at all. Kyung is sympathetic. Jiho appears to be on an anger high, spitting out words that could probably make even Hanhae cry. His eyes are narrowed and fist clenched. His best friend doesn’t shout when he’s pissed off. It’s much subtle but so much more deadly at the same time. Kyung doesn’t expect to hear anything any more, he’s too far away.

Once Jiho’s done, he turns around and stalks off, without waiting for Jaehyo’s response. And Jaehyo doesn’t seem like he was planning on talking back. He continues to stand in the same place for a while, looking at the ground. Kyung reckons nothing else is going to happen. He looks at Jaehyo one more time and is about to go back to the main campus when the other smiles. Then, he starts laughing. Kyung blinks and pinches his hand. The pain shoots up to his fingers. He flinches and curses himself for being stupid. When he looks up again, Jaehyo is gone.

 

He can’t get the image of Jaehyo laughing out of his head. It follows him everywhere he goes and drives him up the wall. He has to force himself not to bombard Jaehyo with questions when the other sits next to him during lunch a few days later. Minhyuk and Jiho are there as well after all. Jiho may be ignoring him but he’s not deaf. Kyung doesn’t want to experience the same anger trip that Jaehyo did. Jaehyo has no such qualms and starts whispering to him immediately.

“Your boy toy has been in an awfully bad mood lately, no?”

Jiho shoots him a glare. Kyung wishes he could inflict bodily harm on Jaehyo to make him read the situation better.

“Aren’t you perceptive,” he hisses back.

“I try.”

“Isn’t that your fault though?”

“Might be but it’s all in your interest.”

“In my interest?! Are you trying to get me killed?”

“Just wait and see. You’ll thank me later.”

 

It’s 3 am when impossibly loud banging shakes him awake. He rolls to the other side of the bed and dives under the covers. It doesn’t work, the noise only gets louder. Grudgingly, he throws himself off the bed and half-crawls towards the front door. He’s so tried that he has no strength left to feel pissed off. Stopping the oppressing noise is his only concern.

Hanhae is barely standing, supporting himself by holding the door’s frame. Kyung rubs his eyes but nothing changes. His friend is still in the same place, completely smashed.

“What are you doing here at such an ungodly hour?”

“Let me in.”

“Is that all you want to tell me? Is it some kind of a stupid joke?”

“Let me in, Kyung.”

He’s a bit more awake now and shouting seems like the best option. However, Hanhae’s expression is eerily blank and he sounds resigned. Kyung has never seen him so fucked-up. There might be a reason for him to interrupt Kyung’s precious sleeping time after all so he lets him inside the house.

Hanhae collapses on his bed, successfully managing not to land on the floor, and takes one of the biggest pillows hostage. Kyung sighs. There’s almost no space left for him to sleep on. This is going to be a long night for sure.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“Hanhae.”

“Nothing.”

“Since when is Wednesday your ideal day to get drunk? Have you finally lost your mind?”

They sit in silence for what seems like eternity. Kyung can only hear the oppressing sound of the clock, reminding him of the maths test he has first thing in the morning. He regrets getting up, he could have just looked for his ear plugs.

“Look, I need-”

“I’ve been dumped.”

“Huh?”

“You’ve heard me the first time, you douche.”

“Why are you upset about being rejected by some random girl though? You change them more often than you do your shirts.”

“It wasn’t a random girl. I’ve been going out with her for a while.”

“What have you been smoking? Cut this crap out.”

“I’m serious. I might have not told you about it but the fact remains.”

“You’re acting awfully sober for someone who could barely stand a minute ago.”

“I really like her.”

“Oh…”

He stares at Hanhae’s back and wonders how little he actually knows about his friends. It’s a miracle they even come to him with any of their problems if he needs to have everything spelled to him, at least recently. Recently he has been a proper mess.

He yelps and falls backwards when Hanhae glues himself to his side. They end up in a pile of limbs on the bed.

“Get off me! You’re heavy!”

“Stop squirming.”

“Then get off me! What are you even doing?!”

Hanhae knees him in the groin.

“Jesus, you shout like a teenage girl. So annoying.”

“How is molesting me helping you get over your break up?”

“I enjoy pissing you off.”

They’re so close that Kyung can barely move his lips without grazing Hanhae’s face.

“So I’ve been wondering how it is to kiss a guy,” says Hanhae, sounding serious again.

“Well, you can keep on wondering.”

“I don’t think so. You could show me. You have a lot of experience after all.”

“What?! I don’t…I-I. Where did you get that idiotic idea from?”

“I saw it, Kyung. You’re pretty bad at being subtle.”

He swallows heavily and looks to the side. This can’t be happening. God can’t be this cruel. There must be a limit to how complicated his relationships can get.

“Just let me kiss you. I may decide I wanna join you in being all gay and polygamous. No luck with girls after all.”

Hanhae leans closer and their noses brush. There’s nothing but tension in the air. If this were a movie, Kyung thinks, thunder would come to save him or Superman or maybe Batman. However, it’s not even raining. Lost case.

“Ok but be quick!”

It lasts no more than a few seconds. They spring apart and start spitting. Kyung runs to the bathrooms. If he could, he would wash his mouth with soap. The whole situation is simply wrong.

“Happy now?”

“Let’s never talk about it again. Disgusting shit.”

“Totally. Now move to the side and give me my pillow. I want to go to sleep.”

“But-”

“No buts. I fulfilled your secret gay fantasies about me so I deserve some peace.”

“What fantasies?! Go suck Jaehyo’s dick.”

Kyung huffs and kicks Hanhae off the bed.

“Sleep on the floor if you have a problem.”

 

He wakes up with Hanhae half-lying on him. His right hand feels paralyzed and he can barely move the fingers of the left one. He should have remembered his friend’s crazy cuddling tendencies. Minhyuk was traumatized for weeks after he had to room with Hanhae on their last school trip. Kyung snickers. Maybe Minhyuk discovered that he was bisexual back then already. He can’t find the idiot attractive but a lot of girls do and Minhyuk has been acting a bit weirdly around Hanhae afterwards.

 

He’s late to class and the test is a disaster. His eyes keep closing so he barely manages to answer half of the questions. At this point he’s pretty close to failing the class which is ridiculous, for it’s probably his favourite one. He’s positive that Hanhae will go on rubbing it in his face forever if he indeed does fail.

The way home is a blur. He’s craving sleep so much that he sets a new record. He’s never got back this quickly. And his bed is like bliss, cotton candy and what are these? Clouds? Sheep? Well that one looks nice...

It’s pitch black when he opens his eyes. His head is feeling as if someone were trying to split it open with a vibrating, annoyingly loud sound. Which is coming from his right. A bit too close to be a figment of his imagination. He sits up and tries to focus his eyes on one spot. It’s his phone that is ringing. He reluctantly picks it up. The name on the screen isn’t familiar but since it’s in his contact list, it must be someone he knows.

“Hi. Can you come pick up Jiho right now?”

“Huh?”

“We went to karaoke but he got too drunk to go back home on his own.”

“Can’t you take care of him yourself?”

“He’s been asking for you. Look, I can’t force him to behave in the state he’s in.”

He groans and kicks the duvet off his bed.

“Just give me the address.”

 

He hears Jiho before he even finds the karaoke place. His shouting is straight-up gibberish. It seems like his friend likes to show his eloquence in Japanese only when he’s wasted. From what Kyung can tell, it’s not a very successful attempt. He’s surprised by who Jiho has been hanging out with too. He hasn’t seen any of these guys since junior high. They weren’t even good friends. Jiho must have been pretty desperate to go out.

His arms are full of Jiho in seconds. The other jumps him quite literally and refuses to let go. He bids goodbye to his old classmates and forces Jiho into the cab. His friend is blabbering non-stop. He can’t make out even a word though, so he focuses on keeping Jiho away as best as he can. It’s a hard task for the other is determined to invade his lap. In the end, Kyung gives up and lets Jiho cling to him all he wants. It’s uncomfortable, with elbows digging into his stomach and limbs everywhere trying to suffocate him. Still, he unconsciously snuggles closer to Jiho. His presence is soothing but makes his fingers itch. Because he wants him so so so much-

They stumble out of the cab. It’s so cold outside that Kyung’s actually grateful for the extra warmth that Jiho is providing, even if he’s so heavy that Kyung can barely walk. It makes finding the keys harder though. Hence, he kicks him onto the grass next to the door.

He’s attacked by Jiho again the moment he closes the door. They collide with the wall and Kyung can’t help but cry out. It’s painful and he’s too tired to deal with any of Jiho’s shit. Then, the other kisses him. Kyung sees red and bites him hard enough to draw blood.

“What the fuck Jiho?!”

His friend is unfazed though and tries to kiss him again. He contemplates kneeing Jiho. The fact that the other is shit-faced is the only thing that saves him.

“Cut this shit out!”

Jiho suddenly stops moving and narrows his eyes.

“So it’s ok if it’s Jaehyo but I’m not good enough?”

“What?”

“Is he so much better?”

“Jiho, what are you talking about?”

“He told me everything!”

Oh...that makes perfect sense. He guesses he knows why Jaehyo was laughing so hard the time he saw him talk to Jiho.

“You’re mine though. You’ve always been!”

He takes a deep breath. His thoughts are running around wildly and he has no idea how to react. And Jiho’s fingers under his shirt feel so nice and his lips on Kyung’s neck, sending sparks down his spine. His hands wander up Jiho’s arm and he kisses him as if he were starved, for it feels as if it were eternity since the last time.

“You’re mine. Mine.”

Somehow that’s enough to remind Kyung of what their current situation really is. He pushes Jiho off and runs towards his room, locking the door behind himself. He collapses onto his bed and buries his head under the duvet. There’s no point in talking to his friend right now. He doesn’t want to do anything he’d regret tomorrow either.

 

Although he tries sneaking into the kitchen in the morning, he immediately bumps into Jiho. They stand awkwardly, not looking the other in the eyes until Kyung sighs melodramatically.

“Do you have anything to tell me?”

“Uhm...no?”

“You were much more eloquent yesterday while trying to get into my pants.”

Jiho buries his head in his hands.

“Don’t remind me.”

“Care to explain? Saying it was a coincidence won’t work though.”

“I don’t know, Kyung.”

“How am I supposed to know?!” he’s shouting now but he doesn’t care anymore. “Do you like me? Do you wanna fuck me? Are you just playing around? Make up your mind! I’m sick of this!”

“Do you like me?”

Kyung can feel his blood gurgling nastily underneath his skin. The wolf is big and agitated, roaring in every minuscule cell.

“It’s it obvious? Of course I do!”

Jiho looks down at his feet but says nothing.  
“So you want to pretend that nothing has happened once again?”

“No, that’s not true.”

“Then what do you want to do? You don’t seem keen on talking either,” he huffs.

“I...”

He really wants to punch Jiho. They’ve been tip toeing around each other forever but even when confronted with the problem, the other just runs away. Life isn’t going to wait for them and Kyung isn’t prepared to wait forever either.

He crosses the hall and opens the front door.

“Get out and don’t talk to me until you figure out what you want.”

“Kyung...”

“I’m serious. Stop wasting my time.”

“What about your girlfriend though? Or Jaehyo?”

“I broke up with her a while ago. There’s nothing going on with Jaehyo any more either.”

“Will you wait?”

“I might.”

“Might?”

“There’s no guarantee when it comes to feelings, Jiho. They’re fickle, especially when one-sided.”

He closes the door behind Jiho and slides down to the floor. The tiles are cold under his feet and the wood of the door hard against his back. Although there’s only silence around him, inside it’s a battlefield. For a moment Kyung wishes he could turn back the time and never fall in love.

 

They don’t talk at uni. Kyung takes to sitting alone at the very back of the classroom. Jaehyo isn’t too happy about this but Kyung couldn’t care less about other people right now. Instead, he’s concentrated on putting down the fire consuming every inch of his body whenever Jiho is near.

It gets gradually worse, his feelings dividing and multiplying, trying to make him burst. He could paint his friend’s face even with closed eyes. He remembers every small detail; the number of the eyelashes or the curve of the eyebrows or the shade of his skin. It’s imprinted in Kyung’s brain, carved into his nerves and embroidered into the synapses. He wonders what will happen to him if Jiho never makes up his mind. What will happen if he finds someone else? Kyung’s heart tries to hide behind his spine during those moments. It tries to squeeze itself into the tiniest hole because the pain threatens to split it into two and the sharp vertebrae seem so much more appealing, so much more real.

 

Hanhae pokes him with a fork. Kyung glares at him but continues to move his food around the plate. Although he usually loves every thing that is served in their cafeteria, he doesn’t really have much appetite. He hasn’t for a while.

Minhyuk moves closer to him and takes the fork and knife out of his hands.

“Are you ok?”

“Sure,” he mumbles, looking at the plate.

“Is it about Jiho?”

“What isn’t about him? The world revolves around Jiho. Fuck, even most of our conversations do.”

Minhyuk sighs and leans back on his chair. Hanhae keeps shooting him worried glances but neither him nor Minhyuk attempt to question him again.

 

He bumps into Jiho and Jaehyo in the library. It’s the exam period so it’s expected. Still, he hoped he would have more luck. They stop and awkwardly greet each other. Jaehyo’s hand on Jiho’s shoulder sets his nerves ablaze. The tension is curling around them, seeping into the spaces between the shelves and gluing itself to the pages of the books.

“Well, I’m going to leave you two, I guess,” Jaehyo says, all amused. “Play nice.”

Jiho looks at him panicked and tries to grab Jaehyo but the other is too quick. They are left alone between the narrow bookshelves which suddenly take too much space for Kyung to breathe. Each inhale and exhale is shallow, and is hands sweat.

“Kyung?”

“Yes?”

“Look at me.”

He forces himself to look Jiho in the eyes but it sends goose bumps down his spine. He shivers.

“I...I’ve been thinking about...uhm...about u-us,” the other utters and takes a deep breath. Kyung guesses he’s not the only one who’s nervous. It’s not solely about him after all. “I’m not sure if I love you. I’ve never really loved anyone so it’s hard for me to tell. I know I don’t view you only as a friend though.”

“And?”

“What if we don’t work out? What if it destroys our friendship? Are you willing to risk everything?”

He feels the wolf scratching at the walls of his heart and he panics. The words gather in his throat too fast. He tries to suppress them but they flood his mouth and storm out in a wave.

“I love you.”

Kyung’s digs his fingers into his thighs as he takes a step closer to Jiho.

“I love you so much that no risk is too high. I have already decided. It’s all up to you now.”

Jiho’s hand cups his cheek and he swears his heart stops beating, even if it’s impossible, even if the blood still flows through his veins all hot. They’re mere centimetres away but to Kyung it feels like kilometres of empty corridors.

“So it’s ok even if we fall apart?”

Their breaths mingle and he grabs Jiho’s arm.

“We don’t have to fall apart. It can work out if we both try.”

Their lips never meet. Jiho hugs him tightly instead and Kyung remembers how to breath.

“I miss you every second you’re not with me.”

He clings to him, because it’s too much and he’s afraid that if he lets go, he will fall down.

“Me too,” Kyung whispers.

Jiho takes a step back and entwines their fingers.

“Ok.”


End file.
